Thursday, February 5, 2009

Adoption? People you tell-that you dated-and then they use it to hurt you

So; ya'll know I have been in contact with Britt's bio dad. Why do I have to be a bleeding heart? I try to allow an open door-why so my ex-husband can get called names-hey; I have called him a few choice words in my life; but never the one this man uttered.I am sorry my son isn't with me; I think all of you know that. But; if you were not there during that part of my life; and I trusted you enough to share the intimate deatails of it-why would you use it to hurt me? I am sitting here shaking:( You know though I know what that man is; I always have I guess. But; when your child shares the same DNA-you like to think the person has some good in them. It scares me that my child could be realated to such a cold-hearted person. Do you think she will end up like him? He said to me "You gave your son away?" Does any one find that horrible? I didn't give my son away. People convinced me it was in his best interest. Did they know for years I would still cry? Did they know I could never hold another baby without freaking out? My ex-husband had to have a clue; he would call me from work after I had Brittany just to check on how we were doing. I remember sitting at his mom's seeing him after every thing; and remembering how much comfort that face use to bring me. He smiled at me the way he used to; when he knew I couldn't handle much more. We grew up together. How can you ever forget that face-the one that calmed you down when nothing else could. I didn't give my son away-I thought I was giving him a better life. No one knows the reality of what any of us go through? You should never make a parent wonder-and thats all I do about my son! I wonder what his interests are, if he likes sports; what are his fave things to eat....SO many wonders; will they ever be answered? Britt's bio dad gave me the answer today-he said I would never know. What do you think??? Is any one out there?????

2 comments:

Von said...

Yep I'm here and following.Sometimes it takes a long time for us to realise someone is toxic in our lives.You did what you had to do under coercion, hopefully one day the laws will change.It may take years but hang on in there.Clear the crap our of your life and get ready, be the best person you can be, just in case one day you get the chance like my Mother did to find out the end of the story.
You don't have to put up with judgemental rubbish and guilt tripping.

awareness said...

i have been reunited with my son i lost to adoption for 4 years now. you will live with regrets of relinquishment forever. if you are blessed with finding your child you will be flabbergasted how much he/she is an exact combination of you and the birth father. Nature over nuture?... guess what... nature is so much more apparant than the nuture. if i knew what i knew now, i would have never even considered adoption. adoptees have to deal with rejection from their birth mother. they are programmed, "your mother loved you so she gave you away." do you even realize what a hypocritical statement that is? I didnt, until I became a mother to my 2nd and 3rd children. As much as i hate to acknowledge it, I abandoned my baby.