Secrets are Taboo

Instead, the mother who loses her child to adoption experiences the psychological death of her child, But instead of comfort, she gets told she did a brave and noble, unselfish, loving thing and she must forget about it, go on with her life. No one wants to help her talk about it, acknowledge it, cry about it, or mourn the loss of the her child. So the loss becomes almost unresolvable. The grief stays stuck in her body and keeping pain in is destructive. She has to go into a kind of shock to survive, hit the pause button on her life and she goes numb. Life is forever changed. You can’t really live that way, but you can exist. She gets no respect. The Respect We Never Got by Joe Soll, CSW Adoption Connection Annual Conference, September 18, 1999, Andover, MA (Chapter 26 of "Adoption Healing ... A Path to Recovery)

My sister said to me recently; you know they changed his name. What did you miss????? I never named him. I thought; how cruel can you be??? A friend of mine said to me recently my husband never brings it up; I said my husband doesn't either. The more I thought about it; I did ask my husband why; he said almost anything you say is wrong; and saying nothing at all is wrong too. So, they are in a weird place. I am going to cry, and talk about it. It is not doing anybody any good holding it all in. I am trying to become involved in every way I can to help. If I save one person from the hell I go through I done something. I just had major surgery; and you know thoselovely medical forms ask how many pregnancies; I put 2; I did not lie. And the lady whoreviewed them asked"You have 2 children?" I said no, I didn't know how to explain. She just said "I am sorry." And kept going, she didn't pry; I was grateful for that. I told my sister; she said I would of lied, and said only one; if this was such a great thing; why do I always have to lie about; should I be ashamed?

found this by mistake/hits home

Our stories are different but the loss is the sameThe ache of our hearts, the affects of the shameIt happened to you another time, a separate placeOur tears are the same, as they stream down our faceWas it a daughter you relinquished that unforgetful day?Or was it a son like me that I only wanted to stay.To stay with me forever for no one to takeA young child myself, the choice was not mine to makeWere the birthdays of your child almost too hard to bear?Never forgetting, wondering what he would be into that year.Did you pray for his parents to be the best they could be?Did you pray he’d be healthy, happy, and strong like me?Did you compare him to strangers you’d see in the streetOr with every child his age that you’d meetDid you wonder if he’d wonder or even know about you?And did you start searching for him and hoped he would search tooHours and hours from your computer chairWondering if he would ever magically appear.Did you get frustrated and take a break a time or twoNot knowing how much disappointment you could live through.Were you scared to death of the chance he would callThat he’d only want a medical history and that was all A “one call” chance to say what he had to say- Were you scared he would hate you, thinking you “threw him away”Were you scared that giving him up for a better life was all in vainAnd scared to find out that his life was full of pain.

Sara(husband's oldest daughter) just sent me a picture of the new baby. A baby boy. She doesn't know; doen't have a clue of the past. He is cute; chubby; my husband said 8 lbs 8 oz; thought he was bigger then that; looked that way. No name yet.

Please take the time to sign Cody O'Dea's petition; as well as Baby Evelyn's.

Google-Utah stomps on Father's Right; will take you to the web site; his sister has set up for him.

Baby Evelyn; go to OriginsUSA.org; and you will find Baby Evelyn's. My heart breaks for both of these families. STOP THE MADNESS NOW!!!!!!

I found out I was pregnant 12/31/91; 5 months after my father passed away. My mom took me to the doctor's the test confirmed I was pregnant; I called the father; he seemed happy; only to leave two days later. That is when the hell began; my mother; the Catholic she is; could not have this embarrassment; a 16 year old daughter who was pregnant; my God what would the guy she was dating think, and his parents? So I was sent away to live with friends of hers who were adoptive parents; they should not be. They are good people; but the last child she adopted was a few months older then my son, and the adoptive mother is sickly, and spends 90 % of her time in the hospital. The private attorney they went through, also handled my son's. So of course, the adoptive mother started on how my baby would be better off; I could never offer what adoptive parents could offer. My mother; offered me a car if I gave up the baby; but if I kept the baby she told me to realize that there would be no car. So Aug. 14; finally comes; and I deliver, everybody told me do not see the baby; do not hold the baby; but my mother's friends paraded in, and out of that hospital holding that baby. Finally, there was a nurse who came in, I didn't know the baby's gender until that moment; she asked about a medical procedure; and poor nurse I broke down; I asked her to stop my mother's friends from parading in, and out there; I wanted my baby to be held; but by me. The attorney shows up; yes in the hospital bed I signed papers. This attorney advised me to put father-unknown; if you knew me at all you know I know, and I told him I knew; he would not listen, no social worker was sent in, that I think is horrible; but it was a private adoption; I guess they can get around that. My mother after he leaves asks me "How does it feel?" How the hell do you think it feels, I wanted to scream. I answered "It is worst then the death of my father." She could have been a mother, at that point, and offer the support I needed. I will never forgive my mother for asking that question, and not stopping this madness. We left the hospital, as you might imagine I didn't gain any weight, after I delivered I was back into my normal clothes; which was a result when I was allowed to come home to visit for the holidays I was to hide my pregnancy. The day we went home we had to go eat with her boyfriend; I was to act normal. How many women do you know can act normal after the loss of a child? I did it though; and for years never talked about it; I just told my husband about it a year ago. No, he did not know when we got married. I was scared to tell him, the subject is so taboo in my family. If any young girl came to me, I would tell them educate yourself before making this decision. I would love to have pictures; but I was told this way was better; you will get over it; have any of these people ever loss a child? I have brought it up to my mother, and younger sister recently; my mother's response" Be happy you gave someone a miracle." My sister"You wouldn't have Scott, or Brittany(10 year old daughter) I love my husband, and my daughter but it should not have cost me a child. Are they saying I had to pay to get them?