Instead, the mother who loses her child to adoption experiences the psychological death of her child, But instead of comfort, she gets told she did a brave and noble, unselfish, loving thing and she must forget about it, go on with her life. No one wants to help her talk about it, acknowledge it, cry about it, or mourn the loss of the her child. So the loss becomes almost unresolvable. The grief stays stuck in her body and keeping pain in is destructive. She has to go into a kind of shock to survive, hit the pause button on her life and she goes numb. Life is forever changed. You can’t really live that way, but you can exist. She gets no respect. The Respect We Never Got by Joe Soll, CSW Adoption Connection Annual Conference, September 18, 1999, Andover, MA (Chapter 26 of "Adoption Healing ... A Path to Recovery)
My sister said to me recently; you know they changed his name. What did you miss????? I never named him. I thought; how cruel can you be??? A friend of mine said to me recently my husband never brings it up; I said my husband doesn't either. The more I thought about it; I did ask my husband why; he said almost anything you say is wrong; and saying nothing at all is wrong too. So, they are in a weird place. I am going to cry, and talk about it. It is not doing anybody any good holding it all in. I am trying to become involved in every way I can to help. If I save one person from the hell I go through I done something. I just had major surgery; and you know thoselovely medical forms ask how many pregnancies; I put 2; I did not lie. And the lady whoreviewed them asked"You have 2 children?" I said no, I didn't know how to explain. She just said "I am sorry." And kept going, she didn't pry; I was grateful for that. I told my sister; she said I would of lied, and said only one; if this was such a great thing; why do I always have to lie about; should I be ashamed?
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3 comments:
I lost my son to adoption 14 years ago, and I've found that the single most annoying thing for me is the whole "you did the right thing."
First, I was extorted and coerced into losing my son. My love was exploited, "If you love your child, you'll let someone else give him everything that you can't."
My situation in live was exploited, "you will have to go on welfare, you know, and statistically, that means you may never get off of welfare."
My life history was exploited, "You know, it doesn't sound like you had a very good teacher about how to be a good mother. Don't you want your son to have a better life than yours?"
My experiences of being abused were exploited, "Those who were abused have a high statistical likelihood of abusing their children. You don't want to do that, do you? How would you live with yourself?"
My marital status was exploited, "You want your child to have a father, don't you? Do you know, statistically, that most of the people in our prisons are from single mother homes? And do you think that any man will ever want you, a single mother?"
And after all these statements, to have someone say that I "did the right thing" by having my child stolen (in the end, they turned to extortion when all of these horrific tactics failed).
Great, just great...
Kelly~ That question makes me cringe every time I have to answer it. But ya know what, I hold my head high and I do answer with all the love I have for him, if they want to judge me, if they want to look down on me, that is there problem, I was made to feel ashamed of getting pregnant out of wedlock,they won't make me feel ashamed anymore! ((hugs)))
I'm in Tallahassee, what part of Georgia in? I'm there every-other day delivering bags.
cstickles@hotmail.com
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