Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The Week Before:(

I have been quiet for a few days. As; I have slumped in to a depression. Yesterday; got real bad; as I slept most of the day; on and off. When I realized it was only a week until my baby boy; will be 15; my heart shattered in to a million pieces. I am not doing what a momma usually gets to do during this time; plan the day; order the cake; being busy with all the preparations! I broke down realizing that with my son; I might never be busy with any of the preparations for the special events in his life. How many times can I hear you will be there? From my mother at that. She wants me to believe that; I assume; so I will not blame her. Do I blame her? Yes! I try to make her realize what this has done to me; but I think she is more worried that her in-laws will find out about my son. You do not just lose your child; you lose his/her children; and hope one day you will be a part of his/her life. And; that he/she will allow you to be a part of their children's lives. I am crying; as I write this post; because as the day gets closer; the worst my depression gets. How could it not get worst? My son; will always call someone else momma. The 14th will be a day to celebrate in his home; and it will be a day I will mourned always. I loss my baby boy that day; and for so long I blocked it out. Never that day though. I would grieve in silence; act as if nothing was wrong; but I can't be that strong any more. All the years of grieving in silence are getting to me. I just want to scream; and someone validate my pain. That someone; being my mother. That will never happen; and one day I will have to come to terms with that; but as of yet I haven't. She is the reason; to so many unknowns concerning my son. I just wished she would sit back; and say that is my grandson; and I wish he was here with us. Is that asking for to much? I keep trying to put myself in my mother's shoes; why will she not referred to baby boy; as her grandson; is it because she then would have to realize that she did this to her grandchild? That instead of stepping-up; and saying I am grandma; I will help; she manipulated me in to thinking I could never raise the baby; I was to young. You know I realize I would be a better mother to my daughter; if I hadn't been manipulated in to this decision. I have trouble holding a baby; and it was hard to hold Brittany; but I did; and we got through the baby years; but it was hard! Although; I do not hold any other babies; as some of you know. A lot of you; didn't realize until this blog; and never forced the issue with me.

There has been no news from the search angel; and that is heartbreaking. I am going to look at the list again; and see if there is another one who can help.

7 comments:

suz said...

hugs. no insightful words. just lots of hugs and thoughts of you.

Gaia said...

After reading this, all I want to do is hug you and cry with you. My heart hurts for you, and for you son.

Aislin13 said...

Oh dear sweet Kel, be gentle with yourself right now. Of course you will cry and be depressed. You are human. There is no greater trauma to a woman than losing her child. Nothing in this world compares to that pain. All the little things that are gone are the worst part. I am so sorry you hurt so much right now. I wish I had a magic wand to erase all your pain. All I can offer is friendship and understanding. I hear you. I understand. I love you and will be here anytime you need me, Day or night.

Kelly said...

Thank you; everyone. You all have became such good friends to me. And; I am sorry for all your pain too. None of us were told the reality of this.


Hugs,
Kell

Anonymous said...

Aw sweetie, hugs, hugs and more hugs. I know there's nothing any of us can say to help you feel better. But yes, you are validated, maybe not by the person from whom you need validation, but by the many moms who know your pain - and also by the many children who are also in pain. I wish your mother could understand that somewhere there is a teenage boy thinking of you as well... and wondering. So I'm going to hope and pray with all my heart that you two find each other and very soon at that. Much love and hope being sent your way...

MOL_Am_Ris said...

No day, in my opinion, is as painful as the Birthday.

Please take care of yourself. Guard your heart. Do not go around people who hurt you... if your mother increases your pain, then demand having the day away from her.

It's your right to take care of yourself. Do it- no one else will.

Including, obviously, your mother.

Anonymous said...

Birthdays are hard.