Happy Birthday; Baby Boy! Maybe; one day you will read this; and know I was thinking of you today. I hope you are enjoying today. I stayed up last night; looking at the clock. Talking to two friends; who do understand my pain; of missing you; they knew my attitude changed when the date changed; but they didn't pry; they just let me talk. You are 15; a young man. I wondered all night; was it a fight in your house the past week; if you could obtain your permit? I just wished I knew; then maybe I would know what you were thinking about this year. The phone rang so many times today; before I started answering calls. When I started answering; I talked to people; I did not have to pretend with. It was ok; to admit I was upset; and angry. Yes; honey; I hope you are not angry today. And; this is a day of happiness for you. But; I miss you! And love you! You; are my son; and I want to share all the joys with you. I wish somebody; explained the reality of adoption to me. You should see my eyes; I think you would laugh; they are all puffy. This day; is always the hardest for me. Most mothers; get to celebrate the day their child was born. I grieve; because the day you were born; is the day I loss you. I was thinking laying in bed; all the times I would hide; before you were born; just so I could talk to you; without any one else around; the time was just meant for me; and you. How many times did I tell you; it is ok momma is here? I am crying now; because I think how could I fail you? I wanted to spend this day with you always; momma always wanted to be there. I am sorry; baby boy. You know; I want to apologize to you; and hug you; and answer all the questions you have; if you have any. Most of us have questions; when things are unknown to us. If you are like me; you hate the unknown. There are so many question right now running through my mind; I want the answers to; but the only person who can answer them are you.
Happy Birthday; baby boy! Know momma is thinking of you today; and wishing you a Happy Birthday!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Oh sweetie! It seems so stupid to say I'm sorry and I understand. I wish there was a way to make it better but I know there isn't. You did not fail yuor son. Youi were both failed. You sere both victims. As I say this I feel like a hypocryte. I have the same feelings of guilt myself but it really wasn't you. You had no choice. That choice was taken from you and it never should have happened. I love you honey. If you need me I am here
Please try to remember it wasn't your failings. Oh I know you want to blame yourself - why didn't I do this/why didn't I do that (and you know I can relate all too well). but in the end, why didn't the people you loved and trusted work to protect you and that precious son of yours? I have great faith that one day he will know his mommy, and see the wonderful, compassionate woman that the rest of us see.
I'm three years older than your son and I think I would be very proud to have a mama like you.
I haven't gone to archives yet, but I think I could learn from what you're writing. Okay if I stick around?
Aislin & Tonya,
You know both of you; became grat friends of mine instantly. Thank you; for all your support yesterday; I am not sure I would of made it through yesterday without your support. Thank you; ya'll:)
Annie,
Yes it is fine; please stick around. Can I ask you what brought you here? Thank you; for saying you would be proud to have a momma like me. That made me smile:) I am glad you are here. You are more then welcomed to e-mail me if you want to; I am an open book. KellyDcash@aol.com.
Hugs to all of you from Atlanta,
Kell
Just remember this in Nov when I am falling apart. LOL I know you will. We really have to take care of each other. The rest of society has cast us out so all we have is each other.
Kelly, I know someday - your son will find your blog and he'll know how much you love him - and how hard it has been for you to live without him. I'll pray that God will bring him to you soon. Stay strong! :)
-Shannon ODea
You will always be in my heart.
kelly, that was so sweet. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you, when I should have been. I am glad though that you have found friends here that can support you and understand how you're feeling. No worries girl, it will work out in the end. I love you!
Post a Comment