SAD FOR A FRIEND

My friend sent out a Happy Birthday; to her son. It broke my heart!!

I will be doing the same; one month from today. I often wonder does my mother know the date? Will she call to see how I am? I know my sister knows the date. She is like me with dates!

My family(mother & sister) never refer to him; as a title; i.e. my grandson, my nephew! That bothers me. Is that weird it bothers me??? I refer to him; as my son. My baby; sometimes; even though I know he is not a baby; he's a young man.

I couldn't sleep all night; thinking of that friend. I could only imaginge what is running through her mind. As; I know what runs through my mind every year.

Did he get what he wanted? Was it a good day? Did he think of me? Does he even know about me? There are so many questions; that run through my mind.

My most important thought"Does he think I regret this?" YES; I DO; BABY BOY!!!!! If I had to do it alll over; I would run, and run and take you with me.

I would of call my dad's sister; your great aunt. She didn't know; none of your grandfather's family knew. I wasn't allowed to associate with them after my father/your grandfather passed away. Mother's choice. Maybe if I picked up the phone; and called they would of helped us.

I told; Dawn(my aunt/great aunt for u); before I even told my husband. She was in shocked; she said I should of called. I should of. Maybe; I wouldn't be in this place now; if I had. I contacted my father's family about 2 years ago. It was to much; I lost him, and you within 13 months. My mother still doesn't know. I been to visit my father's grave; the only other time was at his funeral. Daddy; you were my only parent. If you know me; you know my sister is the chosen
child in my family(mother and stepdad). Always; been like that for my mother. I am not sure what the deal is. Stepdad's deal; is I was a daddy's girl. And he made some comments; that I didn't appreciate. He didn't know my father. My father wasn't perfect; but he was my father! And; his addiction did cost him his life. So I don't need a stepfather who is going to talk about a man that his dead; he never knew. So I am guessing that his why he prefers my sister to me. As; I told them let the man rest in peace!!!

We are trying to stop the madness. I can't save us; I wish I could. My thoughts are; that we can't allow this to happen to another family.

Young men; walk-by me about your age; I study their face. Could it be you? Would you regonize me? Will their be a connection? I still hear your cry in my mind. I hold that in my hearts, of hearts. It is the only memory I was allowed; that no one could take from me. They say you went to California; what if they lied? God; I hope they didn't. It is the only information; I have to go on. But what if you are right here; and I walked by you; saw your face; and never even knew?

I am getting very vocal about adoption practices; they make me sick. I asked for pictures, and updates..... Told that wasn't heard of! Honey; I am sorry. Why didn't I educate myself? I believed that they were telling the truth. I never thought people would do this; now I know.

Will you allow me to know you? Your children? I am sorry; Baby Boy! Please; forgive me! I was young, and scared. No excuse; I know. I was your mother; first, and foremost. I should of protected us. That will always bother me that I allowed myself to believe all the Adoption LIES.

Yes; they are lies! And any one who wants to argue that point; I am willing to educate you, and show you the horrors of this.